This year's felt like four seasons of winter.
And you'd give anything to feel the sun
Always reaching, always climbing
Always second-guessing the timing
But God has a plan, a purpose in this
You are His child and don't you forget....
He's the peace in the madnessThat you can't explainHe's the hope in the heartbreakThe rest in the sufferingHe's closer than the air you breatheFrom the start to the end to the in-between.
I heard this song, Reason, on the way home from work today. I have heard it many times. I only remembered the chorus and never really paid attention to the verses...until today. It resonated with me. I felt the first line deep in my soul. It has been my life for the past year. March of last year, I saw my mama have the stroke that changed her life and mine and that of my siblings forever. It set in motion a series of devastating challenges that led to her death 2 months ago, on the night that God covered our southern soil with the most beautiful blanket of snow most of us in South Georgia have ever seen.
This past year has possibly been, consistently, the hardest that I have ever had, a dark cloud that hung over me everywhere I went. Helping my siblings care for my mother, who was our glue and our rock, was a difficult road (for all of us). To see and experience the woman who devotedly cared for us and was always there for us throughout our lives quickly decline physically and mentally was sometimes more than I could bear, not to mention other painful struggles that arose. Trying to be there for all the people who matter most to you and feeling like you can't do or be enough for everyone can be crushing, especially (or though it seemed to me) while working full-time in a field that never ceases with negativity and sadness.
I have often thought of Reba McIntyre's old song, "The world ain't gonna stop for my broken heart." Life goes on, and while it feels like you are tossed by waves that just keep pummeling you, you keep going, sometimes while having to reach up and gasp for air.
My mama was so much of who I was and who I am. While going through old pictures for our daughter Sophie's graduation slideshow, I saw many photos of her with my children. She was always there for everything: from waiting in the hallway at the hospital to hear their first cries to being the first to arrive and last to leave at every birthday party. She attended school and church choir productions, plays, piano/vocal recitals, award ceremonies, 2 baptisms, 2 preschool graduations, 2 Kindergarten graduations, and 1 high school. The void left by her absence will be felt at Sophie's high school graduation in May. Even in her late seventies and early eighties, she attended some of Nathan and Sophie's home basketball games. She was there when Steve was introduced to the church for his position, and I could go on...Easter egg hunts with full baskets for all the grandkids, Thanksgiving feasts, and Christmas funds where she saved all year to generously give to all 5 families.
The initial shock has worn off, and now, I just miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss seeing her face. I miss seeing her picture pop up on my phone as it did when she would call. I miss her voice. The last time I heard her speak, she said, "Bye, I love you."
As spring dawns with its new life, warmth, and longer days, the clouds are beginning to part. One of my favorite songs is Here Comes the Sun, and I have never felt its words more,
"Little darling, It's been a long, cold, lonely winter
Little darling, It feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun."
Through all of this last year, God has been with me. He has been my hiding place, my anchor, my strength when I had no strength, and my peace when I had no peace. He gave me an amazing husband to be my support and shoulder to cry on and a work family who was patient and understanding.
It is strange that at 48, with both my parents gone, I now feel like a real adult. Life has a renewed and sobering meaning, to cherish what really matters and to make the most of my time here. "Be very careful then how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity." Ephesians 5:15-16
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