Scrolling through Facebook, this photo seized my attention and made my heart quicken. As I stared at the photo of the incomplete parent, I had an “Aha” moment, but not in an “AHA!” kind of way that proves I was right all along, more like an “Ohhh, that explains it…” kind of way.
Raising teenagers has been difficult for this protective, always on the alert, sees danger everywhere, knows she gets one chance to get this right mama. When they were younger, I had more control, which I’ll admit, made me feel better. I didn’t feel the need to control everyone or every situation unless it had to do with my children. Then, I was like, step aside, let me survey the surroundings, and give everyone a 10-point checklist. Fun right?
Even then, when I did have more control over their lives, I went to bed every night wondering if I did enough. Did I love them well enough? Did they get to have enough fun? Did they learn something? Did I laugh with them? Was I too hard on them? There were also regrets about raising my voice or being too busy or being impatient or the tone of voice I used, or pretty much anything…
I prayed. Oh, how I prayed to be a good mama. Often, I prayed to be a better mama because, in my mind, I failed on a regular basis. I never felt like I was quite capable of giving them everything they needed. I felt so inadequate for this job! I would pray that God would fill in the gaps that I left.
It took years before I began to realize I was actually a pretty good mama. Then my youngest turned 14 and crushed that theory to dust. I felt like I had fallen out of a boat a thousand miles offshore with no flotation device. I was treading water and growing wearier by the minute. There is no flotation device because a Christian parent cannot float through parenting a teenager. There are sharks everywhere! Thankfully, I know the One who walks on water!
God, in His compassion, made me realize through this photo that I am an incomplete parent trying to make complete children. I have so often tried to give them what I did not have. I have tried to fill them from a place of emptiness. I have tried to make them secure when I was insecure. I have tried to make them courageous when I was not. I have often tried to be the Holy Spirit to them which I certainly cannot be. This photo showed me it’s ok not to have all the answers. I am supposed to rely on God, that I should rely on him completely to give them what I cannot, to fill in those gaps that my imperfections leave, to protect them, and even convict them like only He can. I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief. God is still working on me too. I am spiritually whole in Him, but I know there are times when I function out of places of exhaustion, hurt, insecurities, or even fear.
After a long, difficult week, I walked into each of my kids’ rooms and showed them this picture. I shared my heart with them. I told them that I know I am not perfect. I asked their forgiveness for my failures. I asked that they bear with me because I always have their best interest at heart. They just raised their eyebrows like none of this was news to them and went back to their business!
I am an incomplete parent trying to raise complete children. I rest in the knowledge that God is complete and perfect and He, even more than I, has their best interests at heart.
