From the Shadows

This year's felt like four seasons of winter.     

 And you'd give anything to feel the sun

Always reaching, always climbing

Always second-guessing the timing

But God has a plan, a purpose in this

You are His child and don't you forget....

He's the peace in the madness
That you can't explain
He's the hope in the heartbreak
The rest in the suffering
He's closer than the air you breathe
From the start to the end to the in-between.

I heard this song, Reason, on the way home from work today. I have heard it many times. I only remembered the chorus and never really paid attention to the verses...until today. It resonated with me. I felt the first line deep in my soul. It has been my life for the past year. March of last year, I saw my mama have the stroke that changed her life and mine and that of my siblings forever. It set in motion a series of devastating challenges that led to her death 2 months ago, on the night that God covered our southern soil with the most beautiful blanket of snow most of us in South Georgia have ever seen.

This past year has possibly been, consistently, the hardest that I have ever had, a dark cloud that hung over me everywhere I went. Helping my siblings care for my mother, who was our glue and our rock, was a difficult road (for all of us). To see and experience the woman who devotedly cared for us and was always there for us throughout our lives quickly decline physically and mentally was sometimes more than I could bear, not to mention other painful struggles that arose. Trying to be there for all the people who matter most to you and feeling like you can't do or be enough for everyone can be crushing, especially (or though it seemed to me) while working full-time in a field that never ceases with negativity and sadness.

I have often thought of Reba McIntyre's old song, "The world ain't gonna stop for my broken heart." Life goes on, and while it feels like you are tossed by waves that just keep pummeling you, you keep going, sometimes while having to reach up and gasp for air. 

My mama was so much of who I was and who I am. While going through old pictures for our daughter Sophie's graduation slideshow, I saw many photos of her with my children. She was always there for everything: from waiting in the hallway at the hospital to hear their first cries to being the first to arrive and last to leave at every birthday party. She attended school and church choir productions, plays, piano/vocal recitals, award ceremonies, 2 baptisms, 2 preschool graduations, 2 Kindergarten graduations, and 1 high school. The void left by her absence will be felt at Sophie's high school graduation in May. Even in her late seventies and early eighties, she attended some of Nathan and Sophie's home basketball games. She was there when Steve was introduced to the church for his position, and I could go on...Easter egg hunts with full baskets for all the grandkids, Thanksgiving feasts, and Christmas funds where she saved all year to generously give to all 5 families.

The initial shock has worn off, and now, I just miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss seeing her face. I miss seeing her picture pop up on my phone as it did when she would call. I miss her voice. The last time I heard her speak, she said, "Bye, I love you."

As spring dawns with its new life, warmth, and longer days, the clouds are beginning to part.  One of my favorite songs is Here Comes the Sun, and I have never felt its words more, 

"Little darling, It's been a long, cold, lonely winter

Little darling, It feels like years since it's been here.                                                                                        Here comes the sun." 

Through all of this last year, God has been with me. He has been my hiding place, my anchor, my strength when I had no strength, and my peace when I had no peace. He gave me an amazing husband to be my support and shoulder to cry on and a work family who was patient and understanding.

It is strange that at 48, with both my parents gone, I now feel like a real adult. Life has a renewed and sobering meaning, to cherish what really matters and to make the most of my time here. "Be very careful then how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity." Ephesians 5:15-16

Where Would I Be?

During his message this week, our pastor posed the question, "Where would you be if God had not intervened?" It reminded me of the miracle that occurred that very day, February 4th, 59 years ago. 

At 23 years old, my mother struggled to bring her first child into the world. The labor was very intense, as they often are, but this one proved to be extremely difficult. The baby was quite big, weighing in at a whopping 11 lbs 5 oz. At that time, the hospital was still small and caesareans were rarely performed, if ever. 

Mama was given pain medicine that left her unconscious. She was unable to push to deliver her baby. She was told afterward that the delivery nurse had sat straddled on top of her to push the baby as the doctor tried to deliver him. The nurse could not come to work the next day because in her dire efforts, she had painfully strained her back.  

Thanks to the delivery team's tireless efforts, the baby was successfully delivered, but he had complications breathing. Mama lost a lot of blood and continued to do so after the delivery. Even after receiving several pints of blood, she continued to hemorrhage. The doctors decided the only thing left to do was a hysterectomy. Performing this procedure on a 23-year-old woman was a last resort, but something had to be done. They could not pinpoint the source of the hemorrhaging. The fear and disappointment she felt was devastating. Her heart was set on a big family.  After she and my dad spent their first Christmas alone in a house that was far too quiet for her, she decided she wanted a house full of children. This option, this dream was about to be taken away from her. 

While in the operating room, as the surgeons were preparing to change Mama's life forever, she told them she was cold. As her doctor turned to look at her, he saw the blood pulsate and realized where the arterial tear was and was able to repair it. During this time, my grandparents, dad, and other family members were praying. God heard their cries.

In that moment, the future existence of 17 + people was decided: myself, my other three siblings, our 11 children, and two great-grandchildren (so far). If God had not intervened at that very moment, as well as sparing our mother's life during the arduous delivery, we would not exist. That brings tears to my eyes. I would have missed out on so much! I would have never met the love of my life, and my own beautiful children would not be here.

Obviously and thankfully, the baby made it too! He is 59 years old with a wife and two adult children. The doctor told Mama she could have as many children as she wanted. She took him at his word and went on to have 4 more big babies, all naturally. God is in this story. May we honor Him and each other with the lives he has so decidedly given to us. 

The Parenting Puzzle

Scrolling through Facebook, this photo seized my attention and made my heart quicken. As I stared at the photo of the incomplete parent, I had an “Aha” moment, but not in an “AHA!” kind of way that proves I was right all along, more like an “Ohhh, that explains it…” kind of way.

Raising teenagers has been difficult for this protective, always on the alert, sees danger everywhere, knows she gets one chance to get this right mama. When they were younger, I had more control, which I’ll admit, made me feel better. I didn’t feel the need to control everyone or every situation unless it had to do with my children. Then, I was like, step aside, let me survey the surroundings, and give everyone a 10-point checklist. Fun right?

Even then, when I did have more control over their lives, I went to bed every night wondering if I did enough. Did I love them well enough? Did they get to have enough fun? Did they learn something? Did I laugh with them? Was I too hard on them? There were also regrets about raising my voice or being too busy or being impatient or the tone of voice I used, or pretty much anything…

I prayed. Oh, how I prayed to be a good mama. Often, I prayed to be a better mama because, in my mind, I failed on a regular basis. I never felt like I was quite capable of giving them everything they needed.  I felt so inadequate for this job!  I would pray that God would fill in the gaps that I left. 

 It took years before I began to realize I was actually a pretty good mama. Then my youngest turned 14 and crushed that theory to dust. I felt like I had fallen out of a boat a thousand miles offshore with no flotation device. I was treading water and growing wearier by the minute. There is no flotation device because a Christian parent cannot float through parenting a teenager. There are sharks everywhere! Thankfully, I know the One who walks on water!

God, in His compassion, made me realize through this photo that I am an incomplete parent trying to make complete children. I have so often tried to give them what I did not have. I have tried to fill them from a place of emptiness. I have tried to make them secure when I was insecure. I have tried to make them courageous when I was not. I have often tried to be the Holy Spirit to them which I certainly cannot be. This photo showed me it’s ok not to have all the answers. I am supposed to rely on God, that I should rely on him completely to give them what I cannot, to fill in those gaps that my imperfections leave, to protect them, and even convict them like only He can. I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief. God is still working on me too. I am spiritually whole in Him, but I know there are times when I function out of places of exhaustion, hurt, insecurities, or even fear.

After a long, difficult week, I walked into each of my kids’ rooms and showed them this picture. I shared my heart with them. I told them that I know I am not perfect. I asked their forgiveness for my failures. I asked that they bear with me because I always have their best interest at heart. They just raised their eyebrows like none of this was news to them and went back to their business! 

I am an incomplete parent trying to raise complete children. I rest in the knowledge that God is complete and perfect and He, even more than I, has their best interests at heart.

Mommin Ain't Easy - (but the most rewarding things never are)

  *I must have been really tired because I wrote this in February and never published it!                                                                                                                    

4:30 am and my 14-year-old daughter finally fell asleep on my shoulder. After having sinus surgery and tubes put in her ears, the first day home was a bit rough. After finally falling asleep on me, I dared not to move. My neck was stiff and my arm asleep, but I wouldn't wake her for anything but fire!  I lay there thinking about how much I love being a mom. It's not easy and anyone who says it is must not be doing it right! I'm kidding, sort of.  Rewarding, exhausting, fun, frustrating, sacrificial, and the best job ever, yes. Easy, no.  

I'm no exception though. I thought about all the other moms out there doing the same thing:  the foster mom sitting by the basinet of a newborn in the NICU so the precious baby is never alone or getting up nightly to calm a baby not fully hers, yet she loves him like her own.  I thought about the step-mom who helps her children with homework and takes them to sports practice and kisses them goodnight every night because they were more than just part of the marriage "deal".  I thought about the mom of a special needs child with hospital stays, doctor's visits, therapy sessions, and worries that most of us can never understand.  

I thought about the stay-at-home mom who feels called to be at home with her kids but often feels lonely. I thought about the working mom who sometimes feels guilty and struggles to do everything that needs to be done. About the moms called to teach or be social workers or nurses or doctors or advocates for all children while still making sure their own children are priority one.

"Children are a gift from the Lord." Psalm 127:3.  They will melt your heart and sometimes break it. They will make you laugh and sometimes cry.  They will cost you years of sleep!  They will make you grow up. They will make you see what's really important. Most of all, they cause more love to grow in your heart than you could ever have imagined.   

Keep doing what you do Mamas! God sees your efforts and they are not in vain.

Light or Lion?

While working on my laptop from a chair in our bedroom, I noticed our family cat, Cookie, staring intently out of the window.  His feline predator instincts had kicked in due to a flock of tiny finches fluttering around outside, hopping between the Japanese maple tree and the ground.  As I watched his subtle movements, he reminded me of the verse from 1 Peter, "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  Those adorable little birds were happily living their lives, getting their bellies full so they could move further south.  They had no idea, they were being hunted.   

As it often is with us.  We are busy living our lives, moving from job to school to home to church to keeping up with pandemics and politics to binge-watching Netflix and spending too much time on social media.  It is so easy to allow ourselves to become off-guard to Satan's desire to devour us and to discount the schemes and tactics he uses. I've noticed the latest trend seems to be his using the opinions and voices of even God's own people against each other. His devouring has become Christians devouring each other and the rest of the world with harsh and critical words.  There has been so much ugliness and bitterness coming through the fingertips of believers onto the screens of social media lately.  We tend to forget that the keyboards of our laptops, Chromebooks, and smartphones are tools that Satan can use through us to hurt each other and hinder the gospel before a lost world.

Galatians 5:15 says, "But if you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other."  Did you get that? He said that we would be the ones destroying each other.  Paul was talking to Christians!  In the verses prior to this, he said, "...the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself in love." and "...do not use your freedom to indulge in the flesh, but serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in this one command, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Our pastor once said that amid all this back and forth about all the issues in the world, we should focus on the gospel.  We are the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14-16) But how can our light shine if our words and actions don't reflect The Light of Christ?  All of the criticism and sharp tongues reduce our effectiveness in sharing the gospel. 

James 3 teaches about how dangerous our tongues can be: a world of wickedness, restless, evil, deadly poison, setting your whole life on fire because it is set on fire by hell itself.  Verse 9 says, "Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come out of the same mouth. Surely, brothers and sisters, this is not right!"  When we praise God on Sunday and run down our fellow believers during the week, God is not pleased. 

There are times when we need to speak the truth in love, not our opinions, not our criticisms but God's truth and in love. The world does not need more opinions.  It needs the gospel (the good news).  It needs Jesus!  It needs the Truth of how we are to live and that is according to God's Word.  I am a passionate person when it comes to things I believe in, but I have learned that I have to temper that passion with self-control.  I also need to make sure the things I am passionate about are Biblical.  We, as Christians, should be Christians first. Jesus should be the core of who we are and everything we do and say should be filtered through Him.  We are to be peacemakers. (James 3:18, Matt 5:9, Romans 12:18) Let's get back to loving one another because "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another." John 13:35.

  

Mundane Mondays

Monday morning, sitting on my bed just having finished my devotion and coffee. Monday awaits. I look up and at the end of my bed, stacked on a chair, is laundry that needs to be put away. Mine. I totally ignore laundry and housework on Sundays. But today, it is staring me in the face. Those jeans that need to be folded and put away are atop a stack of pillows. Why do I move these pillows every single day? Back and forth, back and forth. Is the cuteness of them on our bed worth it?  I'm beginning to think not. Beside that chair piled high with pillows and jeans is a storage container with winter clothes that need to be washed and hung in the closet for the changing season. Why I finished all but this one box is a mystery to me. Apparently, the mood that struck changed, and I became accustomed to that box just sitting there. Now a basket of clothes sits on top of it that also needs to be put away. My son, who can no longer wear any of his dress shirts, rid his closet of them and left them here for me to deal with. Thanks.

I hear my daughter stirring through the house. Soon her brother will be up as well, and the arguing between them will begin.  I took the day off work. They have projects due.  I have peas to put in the freezer or my mama will not be pleased that the bags she gave me went to waste.  Clutter stresses me so I must get control of this laundry and whatever state our house may be in after the weekend. Fun stuff this Monday. Not too thrilling. Nothing to write home about. I'm guessing I am one of millions of other women who face similar Mondays.  

Yesterday, in our Sunday school class, we talked to our 8th graders about Jesus' crucifixion. The brutality and agony he suffered for us, for me, is mind-boggling.  We talked about how we should try to live a life worth Jesus' sacrifice.  When I look around my house this morning and think about what my day holds, I wonder if my life is worth his sacrifice. It seems so mundane and pointless. Laundry. Cleaning the kitchen, yet again. Struggling to keep children on task.  But I realize that my life doesn't have to be glamorous or every moment noteworthy for it to bring God glory. To be thankful for the clothes he has given us, the home we live in, the opportunity to be with my children and know what they are being taught. My attitude and outlook on this mundane Monday will determine if I am living my life in honor of his sacrifice. And I want to honor Him in the big and small.  A little perspective can change a lot!

(And I'm sure even Mary had to do Jesus' laundry and cook him dinner)

"Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men." Colossians 3:23